caught in a trap

By -

Early this morning, as every morning for the last days and beyond, I was sitting yet again in my makeshift “studio” space trying to work - make something out of the mess inside my brain.
Water paints, graphite, brushes, pencils, sketchbooks, ink.
Twirls and tearings of scrap and good paper.
All damaged now
The entrails of my endeavours…

The guddle on my table was no kinder to my crazed head state.

Water and paint then soluble graphite marking?
Or soluble graphite lines etched into the untouched white before adding colour?

I feel there is something there to chase.
But I can’t catch hold of this illusory creature that is gone before I can make focus and name it.
Whispering out of sight and sniggering.
Slipping away, sidling off.

I am a feart beast caught in a snare.
Tormented as thoughts constrain and cut in…

But this is just messing about with paper and paint, isn’t it?
It’s not life or death or anything.
And it’s not a piece that anyone would be interested in.

But tightening the more when I think about having no income. 
Living in the time of contagion.
“Make some work. I have to sell some work.
Do a painting. Get some money.”
Pressure.
And it’s not the way I have ever been able to make work.

I hear another voice.
“Just leave it for another day. I thought you weren’t going to do that today?”

Out of the trap at least until tomorrow.

Comments

Joan Lennon said…
It will come back. It really will.
3 May 2020 at 21:12
Maggie Ayres said…
Joan - thank you😊
3 May 2020 at 22:35
Bohemian said…
Nothing stifles Creativity quite like a Deadline or Pressure. The flow will come when you are more relaxed, Creative Souls cannot help but Create, it is as Natural as Breathing! It will come back, I agree with Joan.
7 May 2020 at 19:35
Maggie Ayres said…
Bohemian - thank you. Your thoughtful words are appreciated 😊
10 May 2020 at 11:25
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Spring Fling 2010

By -
Image
There are 3 things that without fail I will cry out as it gets closer and closer to Spring Fling , the Artist's Open Studio Event in SW Scotland this weekend: "I'm not going to have enough work finished in time!" "What if nobody comes?" "What if people think my work is rubbish/a joke/not worth looking at?" This will be my 3rd year and so far, in reality, it's been a grand experience. And so far, none of the above has arisen (at least no one has been harshly critical to my face). Most of my work is made in isolation, so it's always good to meet people who are interested in seeing what I do, and gauging reactions. If you're in the area this weekend, do take the time to pop in and introduce yourself. "Curve" - a sculpture in plaster, scrim and acrylic - click on the image for a larger version
Read more

and the sky was the land and the land was the sky

By -
Image
Since I set up a table in our living room, locked out of my studio, oh it must be years ago now, I’ve been getting used to new ways. Moving water and paint around in fluid flows across comfortingly weighty papers has been my distraction. Making a fresh familiar. Trying not to listen to any predetermined directions that I offered up, I have splashed and poured and spilt and stroked. Torn boundaries. Isolated eddies. Dried markings. Swirling and coalescing  into the beyond. I see worlds that are watery and sky. Land that is undefined and one. Sky and land together, inseparable. And so began a new series of small works on paper - collages with watercolour, India ink and graphite on textured paper. About the wholeness of our environment. No separation. Made slowly. This narrative thread trails on along many paths and ideas. And there will be many workings on the theme as I try to make sense of their meaning. For me. And for universal connections too. From time to tim
Read more

Not Whining But Screaming

By -
I’ve always been surprised by the way other people see me, especially by their use of certain adjectives: “mild-mannered”, “passive”, “easy-going”, “laid-back”. – On the outside, squishy, sweet, amorphous marshmallow, it seems, while on the inside... a raging, ranting banshee, a fire disgorging dragon, a hardened, steely warrior or a possessed uncontrollable spirit capable of metamorphosing the elements in order to have her will obeyed. That disconnect between internal and public persona probably exists for most of us, I suppose. But now, quiet, un-self-confident Maggie wants to stop the background whine of “It’s not fair!” (can’t you just envisage the petted lip?”). I want my voice to grow and connect my sense of injustice to the public universe. Change does happen. We don’t have to accept the power and drive of the capitalist market to sell us a vacuous myth- the insubstantial veneer of youth and beauty and therefore “acceptability” at an unacceptable price, both on our pockets
Read more